Which Teacher Might Turn Out to Be a Murderer

Our daughter is twelve. She has a notebook now.

At the podium, Stevens read the scene in which Hazel runs into the Gym to find Miss Bell on the floor, and called the experience “incredible and a bit creepy”, because her audience went into that gym every day. Deepdean, her fictional school, began at Cheltenham, and readers who know the place may spot certain similarities in the map. She has been clear that none of the characters are based on real people and none of the nastier events happened. That disclaimer has not reached our house.

The notebook has a page per teacher. Maths is “too calm”. Geography “has a shed”. French “knows about poisons (ASK WHY??)”, which turned out to mean she had once mentioned mushrooms in a lesson on the market. PE carries a whistle at all times, and our daughter regards a whistle as practically a confession. I found the notebook under her pillow while changing the sheets and read the whole thing standing up, which I should not have done, because parents’ evening was on Thursday.

On Thursday I sat down opposite the maths teacher, who told me our daughter was a pleasure to teach, and I watched his hands the whole time. Too calm. The geography teacher mentioned a field trip, and I asked how big the shed was. The French teacher said she was making excellent progress, and I asked, before I could stop myself, whether she foraged.

Stevens says she never detected a murder at school, and admits to being “still a bit sad about that, but it’s probably for the best.” She has, however, an MA in crime fiction, and has written that she really does have a degree in murder. Our daughter is working towards hers. She was waiting in the car park.

In the car she asked how it went. I said fine. She opened the notebook at a fresh page, wrote my name across the top, and underneath it: “Asked French about mushrooms. WHY??”